Happily Intoxicated
by DISherlocked
Summary: Sherlock is out for the evening so John and Greg go to the pub. The amount of fun they have in their drunken state is great until Sherlock comes home and tells a story about each of them. OneShot. Rated K for some swearing.


Case closed. John and Sherlock were sitting in Lestrade's office and were about to head off. They were saying goodbye, well John was, when Sherlock sighed when his phone began to ring. He answered it.

'Mycroft, what do you want?' Even considering the fact Greg and and John could only hear Sherlock's side, it didn't sound like the most pleasant conversation. Insult after insult was mainly what came out of his mouth.

'What happens if I'm on case? We only just closed the case, how did you know? Fine. Only because I haven't seen mother in a while.' And with that Sherlock ended the call. Greg and John stared at him blankly until he explained.

'Mycroft and myself have to go to our mothers this evening. Oh and Lestrade, careful what you do. Your being watched.' Sherlock said. Greg looked at him startled.

'When you see Mycroft tonight tell him I said piss off!' Greg said.

'My pleasure. So what are you going to do tonight John?' Sherlock said looking completely uninterested.

'Why ask? You don't care.' John said glaring at Sherlock who just shrugged. 'I don't know. Greg want to go for a drink?'

'You read my mind!' Sherlock rolled his eyes and headed outside to get taxi.

'Your going now?' John asked following.

'Yes.' Sherlock stated and turned and set off again. Greg walked out of his office, putting his coat on. The light was off indicating he was going as well.

'We can go pub now if you like?' Greg said walking over to John. John smiled and nodded.

* * *

They were both on their seventh pint and were both drunk. Considering the speed they were drinking, it wouldn't be unsurprising if they had passed out.

'You'd read about them in a book. They're not meant to be real.' John started to explain about the Holmes brothers. Everything was coming out slurred, with gaps in between some of the words.

'We can always test to see if they're real?' Greg slurred, equally as drunk.

'How? What's the plan Detectiiiive?' John was smiling realising he'd over pronounced the 'I'.

Greg laughed at John hysterically for a couple of seconds. When he snapped out of it he said, 'No, we kick the shit out of them and see if it hurts them!' He said it with such pride.

'Your full of crap!' John said laughing and pointing a finger at him.

'Let's hear your ideas then, Johnny boy!' John glared at him for calling him that.

'Feel if they got a pulse. That says if you are breathing enough to be living.' John said. 'I am a doctor man, I should know.'

'Your making no sense with your sentences!' Greg said now in stitches. John giggled too.

'I am! Your to drunk to seeee!'

'Hypocrite!' Greg said throwing a packet of crisps at him.

'Don't want all of them. Too many.' Opening them.

'Spoilt brat.' Greg muttered.

'No, I'm not hungry.' John said throwing them back. That's when he realised he had already opened them. Salt and vinegar crisps fell all over the floor. The woman behind the bar gave them a glare to make them pick them all up.

'On it!' Greg said trying to get off his stool. He stumbled and fell into a heap on the floor. 'I'm fine!' He said smiling, putting his hand in the air.

'Twat.' John said, laughing at him.

'You spilt them Watsit! Get on the floor and clean it up.'

'It's Wat-son!' John said stumbling but managing to regain his balance before crouching down.

'I meant to say what I said.'

'What'd it you say then?' John asked smugly. Greg looked at him for a moment, confused. He then turned and started placing the crisps back in the bag. John laughed and began to help.

* * *

After clearing up all the crisp and having another pint, seeing as they were not allowed another packet of crisps, John started talking about a film he had bought.

'We must watch it!' Greg demanded.

'Yes! Let's go.' John said and they both walked out the pub.

'Sherlock won't talk through it.' Greg said.

'How do you know?' John said looking at him suspiciously.

'He went out!' Stated Greg.

'Oh yeah! He went to see a woman.'

'No, his mum!'

'She is a woman Gregory! How else would it be possible for her to be his mum!'

'Stop talking in doctor language!'

'You do know where babies come from?' John questioned.

'Course I bloody do! I meant Sherlock did not have a date with a woman.'

'He did!' Greg looked at John startled. 'With his mum!'

'Oh yeah! That type of date! Friendly dinner one!'

'You know what this means?' John said.

'What?'

'Sherlock won't talk through the film!' John said proudly.

'Yes! I didn't think of that! Silly me!' Both men had forgotten that Greg had pointed it out at the beginning of the conversation.

'I know, I'm smart!' John said jumping along.

'You'll be sick! You didn't have crisps to settle you stomach.' Greg said hitting John lightly in the stomach. John looked at him.

'One is not amused.'

'Okay you posh twat!' he replied holding his hands up in defeat. It was night time and there wasn't many people on the street. Those who were though, were giving the two men dirty looks.

'We're having fun!' John said dancing around one of them who said their behaviour was disgraceful.

'Yeah, you should try it!' Greg said slapping the strangers cheeks.

'I'll call the police if you don't stop it.' The woman said sternly to them as if she was telling off two naughty children.

'Try it!' John said and turned and pointed at Greg. 'This man is on the police people's team. He can arrest you!'

'Oh really? What for?' The woman said crossing her arms.

'For being a bitch to a police officer!' Greg said smiling. He waved his hand at her and began to walk off. He turned to give John a high five but being as intoxicated as they were, getting the aim straight was hard. John ended up slapping Greg in the face.

'John! That wasn't nice!' Greg said.

'Oh no. That was not nice. Not good. Sorry!'

'Accepted. No night in the cells for you sunshine!' Greg said as John opened the door of 221B.

* * *

When they got upstairs John found a pack of four beers. His face was like a child at Christmas as he handed one to Greg who was sitting on the floor after missing the sofa.

'Let's ring Sherly!' John beamed.

'Who?' Greg looked confused towards the slightly younger man.

'Sherlock's nickname. Mycroft told me it.' Greg giggled and John pulled out his phone. For ages John tried to unlock it until it said he only had two more attempts. Greg then pulled out his and unlocked it first time.

'I find it easier to use when I've had a drink!' Greg winked. He searched Sherlock's name and then began to call him. He put the phone of speaker so both him and John could listen and speak. A few moments later Sherlock answered.

'Lestrade, what do you want?'

'To say hello!' He tried to sound sober but failed at his attempt causing John to giggle.

'You two are drunk.' Sherlock stated solemnly.

'We have had some drinks but we have not had lots.' John said.

'Define "some" to me.' Greg started counting the number on his fingers.

'I think we have had about 4.' Greg said.

'No Greg you need to count the fingers on the other hand too.' John demanded.

'Oh there is more! 4 on one hand with 5 on the other.'

'9 then?' Sherlock asked.

'That was quick maths!' John said. He looked at Greg with an amazed look on his face. 'I'd never count it that fast.'

'You mean add them. Of course you wouldn't in your state.'

'I'll have you know we're in a city, not a state. We are in England!' Greg said immediately impressed on how engaged his brain still was. Sherlock rolled his eyes even though they could not see.

John went into the kitchen and opened the last two bottle for him and Greg.

'Your having another one?' Sherlock said with raised eybrows.

'Yes. Sherlock can you do us a small flavour?'

'Any chance you mean favour, John?'

'Yes one of them! We need more beer.'

'Yeah! And alcohol.' Greg added.

'Good point.' John said nodding towards Greg.

'I know.' He replied with a smug smile.

'It's the same thing and no I won't.' Sherlock said as sternly as the woman in the street spoke.

'Where are you?' John asked.

'In a taxi.'

'Ask the man who is driving it to go to the shop.' John said.

'No.'

'Why not?' Him and Greg whined.

'I'm on my way home.'

'You spoil sport Sherly! You could have one too if bought them!' Greg said.

'Why did you just call me that Greg?' Sherlock asked frowning.

'Urm, Mycroft told me too!' Greg said quickly. The words sounded like gibberish. John nodded thinking Sherlock could see.

'John, I will be happy to tell Greg some of your secrets.'

'It wasn't me! Anyway I have none. None you know about anyway.'

'I took one look at you the first time we met and I deduced your life in seconds.'

'Luck.' John muttered.

'Greg, did you know when John was younger that Harry put make up on him and they went to show their parents. When they got downstairs, they had some neighbours round. John turned to run away and knocked himself out after running into a door. He ended up going to the hospital covered in make up as they didn't want to wipe it off in case his face hurt.' John sat there with his mouth open wide while Greg started to laugh so much tears streamed down his face.

'How the fuck did you know that?' John screamed. It didn't come out as threatening as he hoped as his words were still slurred.

'I have my ways.' John sat there completely embarrassed as Greg sat up and wiped away the tears.

'It's okay Johnny! Embarrassing things happen to everyone.' Greg said still giggling like a hyped up school girl. John frowned.

'I'm going now.' Sherlock said about to hang up.

'Wait! Are you getting the beers?' Greg asked excitedly.

'No.' Sherlock said then he ended the call. He paid the driver and headed into 221B. John and Greg were sitting on the floor, both in hysterics.

'What's so funny?' Sherlock said standing at the door.

'Just how you wore yourself out so much on a case you fell asleep and everyone drew on you.' John said casually. Sherlock turned and glared and Greg who smiled back at him.

'Two can play at that game Greg.' Greg raised an eyebrow.

'Really?'

'Do you remember the time that we were searching at that hotel for a victim who had gone into hiding?'

'Oh Jesus Christ.' Greg said starting to remember.

'There was a wedding reception on and guests were being to arrive in the lobby and we had just come down in the lift. Greg was the last of us all to exit it and just as he walked out it shut, trapping the back of his shirt.'

'I think John can guess what happens...' Greg said.

'No, no. Please finish this Sherly!' Sherlock remained silent and glared. 'I mean Sherlock. Sorry.' Sherlock continued.

'Greg didn't realise so started to walk away. Next thing he knew his torso was on display to the room. Around 100 or so people.'

'That doesn't sound bad. I mean when you go swimming, you don't have a top on.' John said, smiling at Greg. Greg took another swig from his beer.

'It gets worse.' He said.

'So Greg is standing there with no top. He was fairly embarrassed at the fact he didn't know these people. That was until his ex wife walked in and said "Greg put that belly away, you fat shit!" she giggled and her new boyfriend came in and went to the groom, "A male stripper at your wedding mate? Thought you had more class?" The bride and groom were speechless. Next thing, one of the waitress' walked past and spilled ice cold water all down his front. It then looked like Greg had a little accident.'

John started to laugh and Greg just sat there shaking his head. He was smiling, he wasn't that embarrassed or ashamed. It's not like he wanted it to happen. John eventually calmed down. He tapped Greg's belly.

'You don't look fat.' John said.

'He's not really. I think it's because he and his ex aren't on the best of terms as Greg floored the guy she cheated with.' John laughed and gave his drunken friend a hug.

'Seems we've all had stories been told now.' Greg said.

'Neither of the Sherlock ones are his worst.' John giggled.

'I can think of a worse one too.' Greg added.

'I wouldn't. I was just easing you in with your ones.' Greg and John looked at each other and kept it zipped. 'Blackmail. Shuts up even the drunkest of people!' Sherlock then turned and walked off to his room.

John and Greg sat on the floor still, giggling.

'We should do this more often.' John said.

'Do what?' Greg asked.

'Gang up on Sherlock! It's fun.' John said laying on the floor as a wave of tiredness hit him. Greg ended up doing the same.

'As long as there is alcohol for the comeback stories, I'd love too.'

Moments later both men were asleep on the floor. Sherlock came out and grabbed a cushion for them both and slipped it under their heads. He then grabbed a blanket and threw it at them.

Sherlock went back into his room and set his alarm for 5am. It was around half 2 already.

'A nice early morning wake up to my violin. That will surely bring out the best of those hangovers.' Sherlock smiled and slept for the very few hours he actually needed.


End file.
